My Name is Tejas and I am Not a Male

My problem Ladies and Gentlemen is far greater than the problems that are cured by a certain Sandhi Sudha for which our 'national heroes' have diligently obliged to appear on National TV. Therefore I demand your undivided attention when you read this post. Your fellow country(wo)men are under a threat as a consequence of taking my name for granted.

There is not much harm that my name can cause but it's still is quite dangerous. No, not because of its cheesy resemblance to a South Indian- belly quavering- gunda named Teja, but because when misunderstood for my gender I give the culprit the best of both the sexes; rearranged alphabets , mostly amongst A, B, C and M that connote respect in the tone that can put our Nyoda bus conductor to shame.

For those who do not know (even though you don't care) my name Tejas Tamhane. Tejas, an Indian Sanskrit name means aura, brilliance, smart ass( that's what I prefer). There are 4 other people by the same name+surname on Facebook, all men. All naming websites put the name under the category of male.

I am a female, biologically, that's what my birth certificate says.

I hate introduction sessions, the reactions to be particular when I introduce  myself. "YOU are Tejas?", "You are TEJAS?", "YOU ARE TEJAS!!!!" , (YOU!!! TEJAS!!!  BWAHAHA!!! *points finger and laughs*)

I punch such people on their nose, rip apart their gender-matching names followed by a smirk of achievement  ..... in my imagination of course

A normal conversation with a stranger, say an HR Consultant, over the phone would go something like:

Me: Hello
HR: Hi, Can I speak to Tejas?
Me: Speaking
HR: No, Tejas please
Me: Ya, Tejas here
HR: Actually Mam, I have this job offer for Sir, so if you can please give me his contact number.
Me: I am Tejas
HR: Ooooooh (sounds amusingly  disappointed). You are Tejas? You are a girl? (confirms disappointment)
Me: Ya, very much
HR: (Giggles) Actually we are looking for guys, so I think ..... ?(has no words to express his emotions over the discovery of the day)
Me: Nevermind, Cya

Unfortunately it is true that you imbibe qualities of your name and thus God also gifted me with high testosterone levels and unabashed sense of world. The sight of a pink teddy bear and hearts (read Archies) can make me puke while I see no harm in wearing the same pair of jeans over a week. Recently I discovered that my voice too rebels against my anatomy.

Being the refugees that we are in Mumbai, as a ritual I again found me searching for a flat. A phone conversation with a poor abla naari in need of a roommate convinced me to get a gender confirmation certificate from a gynaecologist.

Me: I’m looking for a room.. Saw ur ad.. Blah blah blah....
She: ya but it is only for females
Me: ya I need it for Myself
She: are you not getting it? It is only for females!
Me: ya so I am a female
She: (furious)I don't think so.. you don't even sound like one!!!
(shhhhhh.. lambi chuppi…. *bitch*)

That's not all. I once had this chap ask me "Madam, aapke naam ke aage Mr. lagaun ya Ms.?" Atleast he called me madam. :)

By the way, if you find ‘S’ in a confused state of mind, crying and looking for a shelter please share my co-ordinates with it, it will probably be looking for its owner now popularly known as Teja erstwhile Tejas.

Yeh Teja Teja Kya Hai!

My name on the monthly bill statements reads ‘Dear Mr. Teja’… yennada rascala!Mind It…. I say!

The smartest question I face is, “Why is your name Tejas?” Dear Curious Soul, for the same reason that your name is Neha, Pooja, Pinky and not Radhabai, Vimla or Chameli.  

Please share this post with Shah Rukh Khan, tell him he isn’t the only one in soup because of his name. My post may not evoke national sentiments but nevertheless calls for some sympathy. You may use the 'Comment' box below.

In the meantime, I’ll go and shave my moustache.